u sure u want it?

i'd give you the world.
shit i'd give the the stars in the sky.
man i'd even give u mars.
i'd give you anything you asked for.
but that's jus me an the type of person i am.
an when i love ooo baby i love hard an i love forever.
so do u really want ME to love YOU?
i'm not sure you could handle it.

p.s.a once again.

there are a very few of these blogs that are actually about real ppl.
that's one.
two even if they are most of the time it's only partly about them because when i blog/write things tend to go left.
i hate when ppl try to use my blogs/tweets/facebook updates as leverage in a disagreement.
first off. yer wrong. because u have no idea what was goin thru my mind when i was writin/typin anythin so how could anyone possibly know what i really mean when i type the shit i type.
i could be in a hateful spiteful mood an write the most beautiful love poem.
infact most of my passionate things come from anger an hurt it soothes me.
so when u think "o she must really be in love to write somethin like that" no yer wrong. i wasn't in fact i've never been in love so how could someone who has never been in love describe the feelin so beautifully?
BECAUSE I'M A FUCKIN POET!

ha. isn't it ironic?

i can't even say the things i wanna say to you.
like real shit i BEEN peepin u.
like for a hot lil second.
an like it's jus sooooooo wrong!
we know alot of the same ppl
an i mean that shit don't bother me not in the slightest.
but you know THEM an THEY drama..
like DAMM! we want the same shit so WHY can't we give each other what the other wants?
we are both fully capable of doin it.
shit.
u make me wanna.. shit. can't say that..
ooo but nope can't say that either.
SHIIIT can we jus do it already!!

empty fames..

thinkin of the hole you left in my heart.
the pain that you caused.
the pain that has left me bruised an broken
granted i have healed but i have healed
so
knarled
so
crooked
so not the beautiful girl that you had
but now jus the cold shell of a woman remains.
not even an ice box i'm a glacier i'm so cold
an i keep tryin to warm up my soul
to feed my heart so it can be whole
but nothin is satisfyin my hunger
my heart is so hungry for love
malnourished
i want so much to love again
i want so much to feel again
i want so much to want so much...


"Over time, pictures fade
all that's left are these empty frames,
sleepless nights, and stormy days,
I've got proof that people change,
and all that's left are these empty frames
all that's left are these empty."
- Empty Frames, Ne-Yo -

why?

it makes me sick to my stomach that i even miss you. like why should i? u treated me like shit. i mean i guess we had a few good times but overall. the shit sucked. so why do i even miss you? it's like i find myself randomly thinkin of the good times we had.. it's like my mind wants so much to hate you because of the hurtful things you said to me but my heart is like but ya'll really did care about each other you know that right? i mean at least I cared.. so i hope you really cared. me you an hoopty have some memories. alot actually. i mean i can remember the smiles we shared the moments captured. i still have the pics we took.. my fave the one on our first official date. that was fun. i'm glad you did that foe me. shit. i'm tryin not to reminisce on the times we shared tryin not to remember playin in your hair. tryin no to remember kissin you.. tryin not to fuckin remember. tryin so hard to forget.

i love you despite what my mind is tellin me.

all i want is to be is in your arms.
all i want to do is kiss your lips.
all i want is to love an be loved by you.
bein wit you is the greatest high i've ever felt.
i can't imagine my life without you.
but i know for right now at least i need to let you go.
i say the words i type the words an yet my heart doesn't believe them,
i need you in my life.
i love you it's undeniable.
it's indescribable.
truth is it's your air i breathe.
your kiss i need.
shit.
it shouldn't be like this.
i should be with the one my heart longs for..

fuck this shit. no lubrication.

so. i find myself in a bit of a pickle.
someone i've BEEN crushin on
an someone i SHOULDN'T be crushin on.
should be an easy choice right. WRONG!
so very wrong.
they are both on very different levels.
both make me happy,
both giive me a feelin i have yet to comprehend.
an the stress of tryin to choose is takin it's toll on me.
my hair is fallin out, breakin out in pimples, i don't wanna eat. i can't think.
shit's getttin real.
one wants me but can't have me
the other wants me but i'm not exactly sure where her heart lies.
an i'm jus sittin here wishin i had a blunt an a bottle
cuz i'm about to have a nervous breakdown.
real shit.

fuck.

"torn in between the two cuz i really wanna be wit you but something's tellin me i should leave you alone, leave you alone, leave you alone..."

i want to be wit you so bad.. but i know it's wrong
but the heart wants what it wants, right.
well my mind is tellin my heart to shut the fuck up.
"bitch, you always get us in trouble an i'm tired of the stress. i'm takin over this operation."
"but i love her."
"you don't know what love is nigga!"
this is the ever present argument that the two keep goin thru.
an i'm so tired.
my mind is sayin run my heart is scream stay.
an i'm standin in the middle wit nothin left to say.
i love bein in your arms.
i hate when you leave.
all i know is i'm my happiest wit you
an so sad without you.
when i lay in my bed i reminisce an smell your scent.
i feel you touch. i need your kiss.
these are the things i cravce, i miss.
*sigh* i don't know what to do anymore. 

idk..

this was saved in my drafts. damm how i miss you at times.



it was 4:59 am when i was awaken from my sleep..
the first thing i do i think
is how i DIDN'T get to see you
since i spent the nights in your arms
it's the only place i wanna be
when i try to go to sleep

is this...?

all i want is to be happy.
wit you i am happy.
can we be good like a new pair of shoess?!
i don't even know where that came from.
but i know you keep a smile on my face
an you make my heart race
u make my palms sweaty soooo
either i'm about to die
or bitch i'm in love
i never thought it'd happen like this
i mean all i wanna do is be attached to yer hip.
can i be yer Siamese twin??
can we be joined for life.
i mean we can share a heart.
since we already share a soul.

kiss

i wanna kiss you.
nothin else.
jus to feel your lips on mine
entwine your tongue wit mine
share your soul wit mine..

her.

straight off the dome.
you are a dream come true,
quite literally.
i've dreamed of you plenty times an tho i didn't know it then.
o i know it now.
you are the one i want because i don't need any one but you.
make sense?
i know that for the past...8 months...i have been tryin to gather the courage to tell u.. hey i want u.
an it took a drunken night to make that happen.
an then, ooooo an then there u were walkin up to me in the library.
of all places. at my most geekiest moment there u where.
8 hrs later an i still wanted u to stay..
the first kiss.. i swear i felt a spark an not jus on my lips but in my soul an between my hips..
hmm sorry not tryin to be naughty.
mental nuts an sexxy struts
i really want you.
to be mine.
an me to be yours.
i'm talkin forever type shit.
you the only one for me type shit.
real nigga type shit.
a quote that i fell in love wit in high school:
"You are the STAR all evenings wait for."
that is what u are to me. been waitin all my life for u.
saved that spot called "WIFE" for you..

magnetic.

When I say I want you it’s beyond jus the physical
Straight to my mental deep in my cerebellum
It’s beyond my control
My molecules are attracted to yours.
Like 2 magnets I couldn’t run away if I wanted to.
Your vortex would suck me right back
Not to say that I want to leave
I love bein lost in you
I love bein lost WIT you
You are perfectly made to fit in the arms
Molded to my heart
The lyrics to the song of my life

Confessions of the OTHER woman.

you, you make my head spin an my heart beat at an irregular pace, i blush
every time i see a text from you or hear your ringtone.
an i can't have you.
so why do i feel this way?
why do things have to be so fuckin complicated?
love jus like life is not easy.
but it's so easy lovin you.
but i shouldn't be feelin this way. i shouldn't have thoughts of forever wit you.
i should forget i ever knew you, ever kissed you, ever made love to you.
it's not like i didn't know this when we started.
but i didn't know that we would fall so deep so fast.
we're half way to china our hole is so deep.
there's nothin left to say. i want what i can't have.
you say give it time, you say you'll be mine.
but a part of me doesn't believe you're ever gonna leave.
you say it's for the sake of the kids.
an ppl stay unhappy for the sake of the kids.
i really wanna stay but it's time for me to leave.
i jus can't handle bein the other woman.

P.S.A.

this is me ventin.
you really played me for a fuckin fool..
well both of ya'll
you who claim to be a better friend than anyone else to me but yet you lie over stupid petty shit that really doesn't matter. i've jus learned that you aren't the same friend i had all those years ago an that i must sever the ties that bind. not sayin that i'm goin to end our friendship but i am sayin that i dont trust you anymore an you lost most of my respect. you keep doin what you're doin an keep on down the path yer on an you'll see that you are not as good of a friend/person as you put off.
no matter what you think i did it compares nothin to the fact that abandoned me in my darkest hour for your own selfish reasons. HAVE IT I'M THROUGH WT YOU AN YOUR PETTY WAYS.

an you.. damm i almost gave into you i almost gave my fuckin heart to you. i havent felt that way about anyone in a long time. i really felt like we coulda been somethin an all the lies that came out your mouth i hate to say this but i hope u feel the pain you caused me. i felt my heart break an it's already so damaged from everyone else who decided to play hockey wit it. you are now dead to me. if you see me on the street act like you never fuckin knew me. because if u say anything to me if you even look my way i might fuckin kill you. granted i'm typin out of anger right now but i mean it. ALL OF IT. don't fuckin acknowledge me. it's for your own health..

as for everyone else. i have officially shut down. i don't see the point of givin anyone a chance to get to know me because none of you deserve me. i've realized that the best thing for me to do is to be alone.

why should i give someone the power to hurt me.. that shit don't make no fuckin sense. i'm retreatin into my shell an no one is gettin in.. an if yer already in you better not fuck up cuz EVERYONE is on their last fuckin strike wit me. ain't no need in tryin to keep ppl around who don't wanna be kept.

I'M DONE. i am so tired of bein dispappointed. so tired of bein used so fuckin tired.




i wrote this out of hurt the first paragraph still stands. you have lost my respect an will never regain it.
but you my heart still longs for u in a way i don't even comprehend i hope we can fix this.

the birth of a new me.

sooo it's my birthday right.. i had alll this shit planned that i wanted to do right..
okay so then someone PLEASE tell me why the FUCk i'm sittin on the fuckin couch typin a BLOG!
because everyone is selfish. i asked for one thing.. to spend time wit my fuckin friends..
noone wanted to wake up for church.
it took me all day to find someone to go out wit last night
i mean shit.. i don't ask anyone for anything.
even my parents ditched me for my birthday.
ppl are catchin attitudes when all i wanna do is have a good time.
but noooo i'm sittin here alone on the verge of fuckin tears because once again
everyone has put themselves before me.
i mean shit i do for everyone an i don't even have the means o do for my damm self
so i make a declaration from this day forward imma be jus as selfish as everyone around me is bein.
an when a muthafucka asks me WHY imma say:
"cuz you bitch ass wasn't there for me when i needed you but i was always there for you. but now them good ole days is gone because the one time i did ASK for you, yo ass was no where to be found. so kick rocks nigga i'm through."
i refuse to stress for ppl who don't give a fuck about me.
i'm really bout to take on this pirate persona.
nigga jus gone be grimy..
an ya'll did it ain't got no one to blame but ya damm self.
i am NOT the sweet nice randi everyone knew.
she's gone. now it's this hard ass that ain't gone let no one in because everyone i've EVER let in has been a
let DOWN.
I'm SO FUCKIN DONE!


so it's my birthday an out emerges a new WOMAN who takes NO SHIT. i'm good. i got my own shit to worry about can't be worried about yours.

i want to declare from this day forward to not fight wit you..

whoever you may be.

i can't stand the thought of you an i havin a bad day togather
so i won't ever take your love for granted.
i won't ever take US for granted.

i love the days we spend laughin an playin.
fallin asleep in your arms,
i love wakin up in your arms 
ANYTHING in your arms..

so don't think i'm weak because i want to make sure that all your memories of me are GREAT ones.
don't fault me for giving a damm.

formspring.me

you make me sick, an i like it..

you make me sick.
i can't even get my thoughts together enough to form the sentences to convey this message clearly enough.
i like you so much i'm sick of you,
because i can't see you i hate you.
i think if we were jus us... we'd be fine.
i mean you was layin up on my all sweaty an shit heavy as hell sleep an i got mad when you moved, because even when your are at your worst. i mean WORST i still see the beauty in you.
because when your so damm angry all i see is that innocent girl sleepin..
i see the GOD in you an i'm in love. but the saddness an the hurt in you makes me sad for you.
I want you happy. I want to see you smile that beautiful smile every day.
when you get made at me an we don't talk i'm like a sad puppy wonderin when your gonna smile my way again..
i was pacin waitin to see you. i try to hide my smile because i don't want you to see the effect you have on me. i get around you an lose my complete inability to speak. all i do is smile an giggle. blush an wiggle.
like REALLY i feel like a lil girl wit a crush.
smdh. this isn't even a poem this is me VENTIN to you. like SHIT! i know you like me. you know i like you so why the hell can't we just do what WE do. fuck them people. they don't know shit about us or the things we do. they can't control our actions. they don't influence my thoughts. SHE doesn't influence my thoughts. this is all me.

                                              patience.
                         that's all either of us need.
 i need your patience because i still don't know what i'm doin. an i'm gonna mess up an let me APOLOGIZE in advance. but baby if you don't TELL me what's goin on or what i did then HOW CAN I FIX IT?! all i'm sayin is:
COMMUNICATION IS KEY TO ANY RELATIONSHIP.
*siggggggghhhhhhhhhh*
i have to be patient because i'm not what you're used to. i get that. i have understood that since day 1.. i know i get kinda irritated sometimes an i may snap but i'm tellin you now i don't mean it. i say shit outta anger when i'm mad. an so do you. i've seen it..

smh "it's a matter of if YOU'RE willing to TOLERATE their bullshit" an i can tolerate you. it's amazin because if it was ANYONE else that hung up on me i would NOT have called them back. YOU got me fucked up.
so now we're goin through whatever it is we're goin through an all i can think about is how much i wish i could be sleepin next to you tonight. FUCK! this is that bullshit io be talkin about when i be sayin "that's that bullshit.." smmfh..

wtf!

all i want is to be happy. 

wit you i am happy. 

can we be good like a new pair of shoess?!

i don't even know where that came from.

but i know you keep a smile on my face

an you make my heart race

u make my palms sweaty 

soooo either i'm about to die 

or bitch i'm in love

i never thought it'd happen like this

i mean all i wanna do is be attached to yer hip.

can i be yer siamese twin??

can we be joined for life. 

i mean we can share a heart.

since we already share a soul.

sounds like CAPTAINnikki..

haha "maybe if i close my eyes an wish really hard. she'll show up at my door BUTTnekkidd!!"
haha"fuck this rainy weather, cuz i have no one to FUCK in this rainy weather"
"i go so deep i impregnate souls. i have multiple baby mamas NONE of the drama. you wanna be my next?"
#thatsoundslikeCAPTAINnikki "fuck her she's a clit tease."
GOODnikki says 'please come let's watch a movie'. BADnikki says: 'Please Cum. Lets make a movie!'

random twitter..

am i the only one who believes in love anymore.. smdh ppl see relationships as BUSINESS transactions.
"how much $$ you bringin to the table? what am i gonna get outta it" like REALLY.
sorry i'd rather be a house wife/mom/teacher like for real all this extra shit is too much.
all these games an bullshit.. it's ridiculous.. i'd rather be single than deal wit all the bull shit these HOES bring to the world.
it's like niggas more worried about wtf they gone wear to the club an shit than the fact that their WIFE is sittin at home miserable.
that HOE you goin to see at the club aint got SHHIT on the wife you leavin at home.. smdh
i jus feel the faith in love slowly diminishing. it's so sad ppl are givin up on love..
smdh. i refuse to give up tho..

some trendin topics..

#oneofthesedays she gone realize i'm BUILT for this type of mission. actions speak louder than words.
#oneofthesedays she'll see the bigger picture.. maybe i'll paint it for her
#oneofthesedays she gone figure out that i am not a quitter.
#oneofthesedays she gone know when i'm mad an when i'm jus simply bein an asshole.
#oneofthesedays people are gonna stop JUDGING a book by it's cover an actually READ that muthafuckah.
#oneofthesedays YOU are gonna see that I'M happy an that's ALL that counts. maybe you can be HAPPY wit me.
#oneofthesedays you gonna look back an realize i was the best thing that ever happened to u..
#oneofthesedays you gone see the real me an fall in love.
#oneofthesedays SHE will be MINE an WE will be the epitome of HAPPINESS.




#beforeiknew what i wanted.. now i'm not so sure. u make me question my motives.
#beforeiknew you i thought i knew love..
#beforeiknew you i thought i knew me an what i stood for.


#dontactlike this is somethin it's not. we know what the deal is.
#dontactlike you ain't know yer ringtone was "boyfriend #2" sorry boo jus somethin to do till DADDi gets home.
#dontactlike you aint really a freak.. who you tryin to convince me or yourself??
#dontactlike you dont know i'm feelin you.. EVERYBODY else knows haha..
#dontactlike you don't wanna see what my head game is like.. i KNOW you heard some stories haha.. #youbettaasksomebody!!
#dontactlike you can handle this when we both know i had YOU limpin the next day. #POW! "my neck my back.."
#dontactlike you want me when we both know you want her.#imnotstupid

twittertruth.

#twittertruth i'm possessive as HELL! what's mine is mine. try an take it if u want to. u may draw back nubs.
#twittertruth imma loner there are only a few ppl in my circle. i'm hella shy. an i don't like ppl.
i dont have shit but a dream an a paintbrush. but for me that's all i need.#twittertruth
#twittertruth you aint got shit on her. so don't think u can sway my attention. it ain't gone work.
hmm. well i believe NONE of what i hear an ALL that i see. haha


it's like this: "if u look 4 what u THINK u want, you'll miss out on what you NEED. what you WANT & what you NEED are 2 different things

random tweets about her..

imma be me regardless. i refuse to let anyone try an change me. if u don't like me how i am. move around.
sorry if instead of buyin some expensive ass clothes i'd rather have art supplies sorry i don't want my hair an nails did. that is not me.
never has been never will be.
*sigh* does anyone SEE me?
what do you do when you mind says stay but your heart has already strayed.
she said she thinkin of me but i'm not thinkin of her.. i'm thinkin about that other one..


#twowordcombos your kiss.
#twowordcombos can we?
#twowordcombos her arms.

#twowordcombos your smile.

#twowordcombos your eyes.

#letmefindout you be thinkin the same thing i'm thinkin..

high as hell thinkin bout but whats new..

i want to fall asleep in yer arms.. #soHOMO

she makes me giggle like a school girl..

impatiently waitin..

you think i'm not genuine in my feelings toward you. they are as real as the air i breathe to sustain this miserable life without you

change your way of thinking.. (start at the bottom an work your way up.)

GOD is LOVE.


if you BELIEVE.


because despite what anyone EVER says LOVE is all you need. an LOVE will be enough to ease your pain.


i can't bring you no expensive car no nice clothes i can't take you shoppin but i can tell you this you will NEVER lack LOVE.


an i don't want all that extra shit. it jus clutters your space an you can't LOVE to your fullest potential.


or jus alot of THINGS fillin the VOID where LOVE should be. because i'll be the first to tell you i ain't got SHIT!


because if she doesn't respect herslef how can she respect YOU. how can she love YOU? at the end of the day is there LOVE in your home?


how about instead of lookin at what kinda car she drives pay attention to how she carrys herself. does she RESPECT herself?


ppl 2 caught up on material things. a car can crash u can lose ur apt u can get laid off from yer job, clothes get old an shoes get scuffed.


"U can't like somebody n be caught up on lil shyt like that it won't neva hit its full potential" u betta realize what u got till it's GONE!


stop thinkin about what she doesn't have an see what she DOES have. because it might jus be what you NEED.

twitterpoem..

you are my hearts only addiction. #sixwordstories
can we PLEASE kiss already, PLEASE!? #sixwordstories
can we be in love together?#sixwordstories
why waste time on the #exchick when the #nextchick is waitin on you to call her.. #i'mjussayin..
#sometimesitsbetter to tell the truth no matter how much it'll hurt.
i love her. i'm not in love with her. but her essence fills me wit _____ i don't even know..
"they not coming back cause they KNOW i'm crazy.."#soundslikeCAPTAINnikki
she said "when you raise the bar... you accept nothin less than the best,"
in my head i think a wish is a quick prayer. have you wished for anythin today?? instead of "i wish for.." say "i pray for..
maybe one day down the line we could discover that we are in love together. that will be a good day..
smdh. an no matter what i'm still thinkin bout you..
drinkin an thinkin of her. smdh. i refuse to lose my cool.

ipod.

ha in love don't make me giggle.
tho i think of her often she is not so deep in
that i'm IN
love wit her.
i'm in love wit the fact
that one day we will
STAND in love together
because we know there is no better
love than the love we share..

i often drift into thoughts on when i'll be IN love wit someone.
i've had ppl be in love wit me or me in love wit them
but we weren't on the same page we weren't in love together..
not sync'd like an ipod to a computer.
so i long to be IN love. yea build a foundation that we can grow on.
we will only get stronger. i promise you that.

been gay all my life.

smdh at these lame dudes. i know not all men are disrespectful an i know not all men get the fact that i'm a lesbian. i accepted it now it's your chance. i mean i played the "straight" role for only a few yrs ain't like it was all my life. so why are you surprised? i mean all throughout high school i was bi didn't even touch a dude till my senior yr. before that all i messed around wit was girls. my first orgasm was wit a chick. i mean the ONLY reason i even slept wit a dude is cuz all my friends where straight i was scared to jus be like i don't want him i want her. i feel like if i would have followed my heart an not the mainstream i would be at a much better place in my life. i mean my dad asked me once when i was a sophmore if i was gay. i laughed an told him no. that was the day after my first date wit a girl. i remember that ish like it was yesterday. i mean i've never really emotionally been attached to guys. lookin back i can say i was never really in love wit any of my boyfriends. like yea i loved them but shit i love everybody.. one dude i used to talk to i asked about his sister EVERYDAY like really. how could you not know.. well i mean HE knew haha. my first boyfriend told me when he found out i was gay "i knew that i was waitin on you to figure it out." like for REAL! haha
i mean i'm not sayin i don't apprieciate a compliment you know but do you HAVE to stare.. an i mean i KNOW you see us all hugged up on each other. no she is NOT my sister. she's my gal.. it's like damm can you show a lil respect. i know it's hard for a man to do you know to RESPECT a woman. 
an i love when they ask "why do you like women. what can she do that a man can't" answer ALOT! i have PASSION for women like i have PASSION for my art. i'm goin to treat her like a canvas because she is my masterpiece. 
everythin you love in a woman sir, i love also. her perfect breasts. her plump behind. her beautiful eyes an soft lips. i mean what is there NOT to love. 
so MEN please don't step to me talkin bout "o u jus ain't had no one lay the pipe right" blah blah blah. what my chick can do wit her tongue eff that her FINGERS gives me more pleasure than a man ever did. what can i say i've been gay all my life..
jus wish i woulda accepted the fact along time ago haha

10 things about a Cancer.

10. Loves to stay at home

9. Is an emotional being. Whether up or down, they always feel alive
8. Loves good food

7. Always expresses how they feel

6. Is very sensitive, but that turns out to be a good thing in bed

5. Is a passionate an devoted lover

4. Is always having fun

3. Lives to satisfy others needs and does so lovingly

2. Has a soft shoulder you can lean on

1. When in love, they completely and totally gives it their all

i love readin stuff about my sign.. alot of it is true.. i'd say about 5% of what i read i DONT agree wit.. like one i read said we fantasize about havin sushi eaten off of us.. 

yea.. NOT! 

haha but all the nurturin thing yea thats me.. 

lovin forever, yea i'm guilty.. 

bein an undercover freak.. you betta ask somebody.. 

it's all true even down to the sign a crab. 

i have a hard as shell an i occasionally snap..

i'm gonna love you wit a love so deep an pure an unconditional 

you gone think i'm yo mama.. 

but if you give me cause for concern i'll retreat to my shell

it is what it is.. read me learn me love me.. haha

what the starts say about me..

Lets101 - Free Online Dating


yea that's me...

randomness..

I know better than to look in your eyes
they are soo deceiving
they tell that you want me
they’re screamin how you need me.

shit I lost my train of thought.
the poem not you because you are the ever runnin picture replayin in my mind.
every time you look at me I feel lost in your soul.
your touch makes me wanna lose control
shit.. but I can’t have you
an I don’t want no body else
so I guess I’ll be lonely
I guess I’ll be blue
I’ll spend endless nights alone wit out you.
your essence gives me a natural high
but I can’t an WON’T get caught in you.
I don’t wanna be addicted I don’t wanna fiend
I push the thoughts away

my notes from palm sunday.

Forgivness is NOT an occasional act.
It is an ATTITUDE.
your standin on the edge of chaos. Where do you go from here??
Everyday I choose where I wanna be.
I choose to be a love representative in the love revolution.
because GOD loves me, GOD forgives me.
S(H)E who is born of GOD is born of LOVE, because GOD is love.
we must carry our own cross.
just because I’m layin here DOES NOT mean I’m stayin here.
Sometimes you jus gotta KNOW your getting out.
what are YOU going to give GOD??
Father, into YOUR hands I commit my spirit.

Sunday  March 28, 2010


this is actually a few quotes from seven different pastors.
from the last seven words of CHRIST..
it was beautiful..

my notes from church..

my notes from today's sermon.. they may not make sense to you but it's beautiful to me..

John 1st chapter 19-23

“I am a voice of one crying in the wilderness.”
-I suffered wit my identity_
Ever found yourself with the need to control the opinions of others??
*I am not the I AM*
people can’t really know my mess
Have you ever over compensated for what you really were
GOD is the essence of everything WE say about him.
He becomes the way out.
GOD is the essence of grace an truth.
keep the main thing the main thing.
OUR purpose is not defined by what we do. GIVE GOD GLORY!
I can’t give you much but I can gove you Jesus. It’s not about you but the GOD in you.
Know who you ARE an who you AREN’T.
It is My GOD given responsibility to lead others to GOD.
understand WHO GOD is. It is not about me it’s about GOD.
DO YOU KNOW WHO HE IS??

Sunday, April 18, 2010

i'd do anything..

i'd do anythang to ger yer attention
do i need to scream it at the top of my lungs
that i want YOU to be my only one.
we can be
the epitome
of what love should be
but you trippin
worried about the wrong things
i can love you wit a love so strong you won't NEED nothin else
all i'm sayin is that
while u wastin time you should be mine.
forget yer past heartbreaks forget it all
cuz all you need is me.
my love is strong enough to take whatev you throw at it.
jus gimme a chance
you won't regret it
believe me.

it's 2:54am

why is she on my phonee! 

i'm not complainin i love to hear her voice.. 

i'm jus sayin..

it's 2:54am an she WANTS to be on the phone with ME! 

haha i am pleasantly surprised, delightfully tickled 

to be thought of by her.

when she can't sleep. 

an she wants me to lull her off into her dreamland..

not yet titled.

i keep catchin her eye.
an my my how
i can imagine me in yer thighs.
makin you rise
an
then i remember.
it's not exactly ladylike to fuck on the first night
but i'm sayin thou we're grown.
it's time to start the show
i've been tryin to hold it back all night
but i'm dyin to feel you touchin me
fuckin me
not no one night creep
u can't jus spend one night with me.
i'm not cocky
i'm jus sayin.
can we do this already

impatiently waitin.

it's not that i'm lookin for her
i'm jus impatiently waitin on her arrival.
like waitin on a delivery.
i know it's comin an it's not like i can rush it to come any faster.
shit the more i pace in front of the door it seems like the loooonger it seems to take.
so now i'm tryin to sit still an not think about you so much
but damm i get lonely
i long for you to hold me.
i'm anxious for our first kiss.
i'm dreamin of the first time we make love.
the moment we realize we're IN love.
our children, our life. our ups an down.
thinkin of this an i get ANXIOUS..
so sorry if i seem impatient but it's only because i am soo ready to love you.
i'm tired of WAITINGGG!
it's drivin me crazy. can't wait to meet my lady.

Romans 14..

      Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters. ²One man's faith allows him to eat everything, but another man, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables.³The man who eats everything must not look down on him who does not, and the man who does not eat everything must not condemn the man who does, for God has accepted him. ⁴Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.
 ⁵One man considers one day more sacred than another; another man considers every day alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind. ⁶He who regards one day as special, does so to the Lord. He who eats meat, eats to the Lord, for he gives thanks to God; and he who abstains, does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God. ⁷For none of us lives to himself alone and none of us dies to himself alone. ⁸If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.
 ⁹For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living. ¹⁰You, then, why do you judge your brother? Or why do you look down on your brother? For we will all stand before God's judgment seat. ¹¹It is written:
   " 'As surely as I live,' says the Lord,
   'every knee will bow before me;
      every tongue will confess to God.' "^[a] 12So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God.
 ¹³Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way. ¹⁴As one who is in the Lord Jesus, I am fully convinced that no food^[b] is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for him it is unclean. ¹⁵If your brother is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy your brother for whom Christ died. ¹⁶Do not allow what you consider good to be spoken of as evil. ¹⁷For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit, ¹⁸because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and approved by men.
 ¹⁹Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. ²⁰Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. All food is clean, but it is wrong for a man to eat anything that causes someone else to stumble. ²¹It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother to fall.
 ²²So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the man who does not condemn himself by what he approves. ²³But the man who has doubts is condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin.

turn your lights down low.

turn your lights down low
an open the window to your soul
let my love in
let your pain out

i have so much to give an no one to give it to...
i want to leave i want to run i want to hide
it's so painful to want to love wit no one to love
all i need is one worthy soul all i need is someone to recieve

it's not hard jus open your arms an take me in i'll do all the work
we can lay under the stars make love in the rain

sweet kisses from me to u
our love's embrace will last a lifetime

it's not hard jus come inside lay wit me
we'll talk for minutes
till minutes turn to hours
till hours turn to days
till days turn to weeks
the weeks will turn to months
an i'll still be lovin you
when the months turn to years
an the years turn to lifetimes
i will still be loving you

let me give u my love my breathe my soul
breathe deep an inhale me

it's not hard
in fact it will be the easiest thing in the world for u 

kissin you.

my joy is watchin your smile
i get lost in your eyes
and your kiss 
don't get me started on that fuckin kiss!!!!
kissin you is like Heaven 
NO! FUCK THAT!! 
kissin YOU is better than Heaven! 
Kissin you sends me beyond Heaven into the furtherest realm of human comprehension...
Kissin you moves mountains & makes Angels jealous.
I mean they actually SIGH when they see us like, 
Man not this SHIT again!!
Kissin you is like breathin life into a dead body
IT'S A FUCKIN MIRACLE!!
it defies physics because when i kiss u Baby, I FLY!!
Kissin you is jus oOOOooOOOo...
I can't explain in enough words how wonderful your lips are!
What's really funny is...
WE'VE NEVER EVEN KISSED!! 

lip infatuation

you're my lip infatuation
my sinful indulgence
my sweet surrender
my soft as pillow smooth as silk deep down in my soul shakin
lip infatuation 

uncontrolled substance..

Deep with in me is a freak an I know it
Cuz sometimes when I hit that spot u forget
An let it slip
“oOo shit girl!! Shiiiiittt!”
The way you be moanin, how loud you be screamin
How yo pussy steady be creamin..
An I’m quietly thinkin “that’s it girl keep on leakin..”
I get the urge to flip you an fuck you from behind
I jus wanna watch ya back
Wave an arch
An wave
An arch
An wave an..
Oh my bad…
I trace ya spine grab ya waist while ya hip grinds.
I need a kiss I been away to long from them lips
An as u straddle me I enter you
Because I wanna feel it when u come
An as we climb to our peaks
Our hearts sync to one rapid beat
An then u come an then I come an then WE come.
An as I pull that last drip out of your soul..
Relax an let go
I love when we lose control.. 

ode to my pocket knife.

She slices my skin to reveal my sin
An coldly watches as my innocence faded
I see the lines of the previous times
Like notches in my bed post.
The feel of the steel makes my pain real
A life of hatred a love of pain
I cry for help but I cry in vain
I try to ignore her but she’s all I hear
Like when a lover whispers in your ear
I fall victim to her seduction
But this ain’t love we ain’t fuckin
As I watch my blood trickle an clot
To form lil red candy dots of my love 

love addiction/i hate you

I hate you.
But only because I love you so much that
I HAVE to hate you
Because you jus don’t comprehend how much I REALLY love you
I hate knowin all of these eloquent words
But the COMPLETE inability to convey them in a way
As BEAUTIFUL as it is reflectin in my mind.
You are my most deepest loving dream come true
Because I remain me while lovin you.
Even when I try my hardest not to love you,
The more it becomes apparent that I NEED to love you.
It’s okay I don’t mind.
With every breath I breathe you
Every cut I feel you
Every hit I crave you
Coursin through through my veins like the finest cocaine
You are my love addiction 

so fuckin gay i puke rainbows.

sir.excuse me, yes you. you have the most gorgeous eyes. i could lose myself lookin into those pretty browns."
does not mean i wanna see you wit your clothes off.
a compliment is jus that a compliment.
i may even think yer cute. IT DOES NOT MEAN I WANT TO LAY YOU!
if i say i wanna chill.
shit i prolly jus wanna smoke a blunt an talk about life.
because i really do jus wanna be yer friend.
knowin me, i'm jess trynna lay yer sister.
so please don't miss understand me sayin:
"yer smile is the best i've ever seen." or
"damm can i wash my jeans on them abs?!"
or even one i say often "yer hawt i'd make out wit you"
jus no touchin below the waist an if u start gettin to into it
ugh okay we're through.
that's jus me
i'm extra fuckin friendly.
so this is a disclaimer for the guys i know, the guys i will know an the guys i jus met.
I AM 100% PURE LESBIAN.
i'm jus as in love wit the nah-na as you are.
maybe even more, shittt
i prolly even f****d yer bitch.
yea thats me the new taste on her lips.
so please don't get yer bubble burst thinkin u about ta smash.
imma look at you stupid an simply laugh.
I DO NOT WANT YER PENIS SIR.
even when i HAD it i didn't WANT it.
i'm so fuckin gay i puke rainbows. 

a letter to my dream girl.

Dear Woman of My Dreams,

if you saw me on the street would you even recognize me?
does she know how my dreams are filled with memories that we could make.
i've had dreams of our first date.
i'd take you to dinner somewhere nice an quiet so we can talk.
maybe a movie or we could go for a nice walk
i jus want to get to know you
because jus by lookin in your eyes
i can tell you have a beautiful soul.
i know that a woman as beautiful as you has many other beautiful women chasin after you
i don't even expect that you'd give me a chance.
an it sucks because i know out of all those women
NONE of them will EVER be able to COMPREHEND the love i can give to you..
i mean i haven’t gotten to far in the fantasies
but i can tell you your life with me
however long or short
will be full of love an devotion
because that's who i am.
i may not have alot financially but a girl like me makes things happen.
even if i gotta buy our dinner wit my foodstamps.
girl i will cook you all yer fave foods
then we can sit on my patio an watch the sun go down.
I may not be able to drive to meet you
but best believe I’d walk an if I had to carry you back I would
because that’s the type of woman I am.
an I know that not a lot of ppl want to take a chance on someone who has nothing but I figure it like this:
if u love me now when I have nothing
then when I have the world I know that our love is real
an believe me baby I’m GONNA have the world.
because that’s what you deserve an imma get it for you.
even if you don’t want it I still want you to know it’s an option.
I know that when your feet hurt imma rub em.
an anyone who knows me knows I HATE FEET.
but girl I promise I’d give you the BEST fuckin foot massage EVER.
I’ll grease yer scalp. girl I’d even bathe you if you asked.
I want to completely pamper you because it’s what you DESERVE.
I know I know this is crazy to you, but hey it is what it is.
I didn’t think I’d ever be sayin this to someone
because I am NOT the one to jus put myself out there like that,
but imma new woman these days
I’m like
“hey what’s the worst that can happen?
she say she doesn’t want to be pampered like a queen.
haha her bad cuz I’m sure someone will read my devotion
an want it for themselves.”
at least I hope.
who knows what the future holds.
I know I wanna hold you.
be there when ya need.
never make ya cry an if you happen to shed a tear one day
I’d be there to catch it because your tears are too precious to hit the ground.
*sigh*
my pleas may fall on deaf ears but I did my part an shared my feelings.

Sincerely,

theCAPTAINnikki. 

closet freak..

as I sit here an inhale this marijuana
I remember those times at yo mama’s
wonderin if she ever knew
the times I had my way with you
how when she was watchin Jeopardy
I was in deep between yo knees
can u believe she thought I was helping wit yo homework.
when it was more like puttin in that work.
my the times we shared when she wasn’t there.
me an u was so deep we’d get it anywhere.
haha even in her sheets..
girl u was a FREAK!
an I loved it
too bad u was in the closet.

jus say yes.

(all ya gotta do is say yess don’t deny what ya feelin let me undress you baby..)

girl you playin..
I mean I’m not conceited or nothing
but we both know u ain’t the ONLY one that wants me
I mean imma prized commodity..
but see we..
yea we have beautiful conversations
an do get me started on the physical relations
the energy between us is undeniable
the chemistry INCONCEIVABLE!!
so why are you wastin time
when u should ALREADY be mine?
let’s lay among the stars make moon babies
I’m tired of all yer if’s an maybe’s
jus come with me an be my queen
I’ll take u to places yet unseen
we’ll travel the world
DAMM jus be my GIRLL!
oooooo why you playin!!
wit my emotions an my mind..
damn won’t you jus be mine.

silent cries.

silent screams from the heart that craves you
when will you call me yours?
I long for the days we will have together

you drive me crazy!
insatiable these nights without you
my appeite for you is never-ending.

I want to dive into you like you’re the sea
an explore the caverns that are your soul
I want to reach spaces undiscovered by others before

can we be like adam an eve
naked in our love
innocent in our joys